I Took Anti-Depressants During my Pregnancy, and I'm so glad I did.

I know, I know, raise the red flag! All the purists come and criticize me. I took a medication while pregnant. I'm selfish to put drugs in my body while growing a baby. I'm a bad Mom.

I joke, but not really.

Wow is this a controversial topic online. I couldn't believe how much heated discussion there is around pregnancy and maternal mental health.

Full disclosure, I am not a medical professional. I am not here to say that taking anti-depressants during pregnancy is safe. I am not here to discuss the medical research behind medications and fetuses in the womb. I am here to tell my story. Because when I was struggling and needed support, I had a hard time finding an answer.

First off, I had full intentions to go into my pregnancy as natural as possible (as I'm sure many Moms do). I had spent the previous year before becoming pregnant, slowly coming off of my anti-depressant medication and migraine medication. I focused a lot on natural remedies and life style adjustments to help my mood and overall well-being.

I felt good. My mood felt controlled and stable. I felt emotionally ready to start this next chapter in my life.

Fast forward to finding out I was pregnant. Words cannot express that feeling. It was truly surreal and so incredibly special for myself and my partner. We were so excited.

A week later, I was a different person. Out of nowhere my mood completely plummeted. I had uncontrollable crying spells. I would wake in the middle of the night in shear panic. I couldn't focus on anything. I couldn't work, I had trouble eating. I felt hopelessly and completely overwhelmed with big, huge, heavy emotions.

I was aware of postpartum depression. I knew I was at risk for it, especially because of my history with mental health.

I had never heard of depression or anxiety during pregnancy.

Wasn't this supposed to be a beautiful, magical time? When you feel amazing and glowy and like a powerful super human?

A week ago I was so happy and excited. Now I was terrified, overwhelmed, questioning everything. When I saw another pregnant woman on the street or on social media I would have a full blown melt down. I just kept thinking its too much. I can't do this.

After speaking to my OB Doctor and my therapist, I was advised to go to the ER. My mental health was concerning them, and they wanted me to get immediate help.

I sat in the ER for hours.....

I was jostled around to different areas. My first trimester queasiness started kicking in at this point, so I was constantly on the verge of vomiting through this whole process. Different doctors kept filtering in, asking some questions, then disappearing. My husband eventually had to go home to let our dog out, as it was taking all day.

I don't blame the hospital or staff at all. I understand that I was a "low-risk" case. Of course there were MANY other cases in the ER that were much higher priority. I was safe, I was being cared for, it was fine.

After it all, I was finally assigned a Psychiatrist that specialized in OB cases (who knew this was a thing!). She told me I was experiencing prenatal depression/anxiety, also known as antenatal depression or perinatal depression. She said this can happen in up to a fourth of all pregnant women (of the reported/treated cases). She said it was likely my body was triggered by the response to the large shift in hormones as my pregnancy ramped up. It could also have been triggered in part to processing this huge life change that is occurring.

Part of me was relieved to have an answer. I had heard of pregnancy mood swings, but never imagined a swing this extreme.

Part of me, still had a tough decision to make.

After speaking to a few medical professionals, I received mixed reviews on the concept of taking anti-depressants during pregnancy. As with practically ANYTHING you ingest while pregnant, EVERYTHING has some risk. Though there was a lot of research supporting the use of anti-depressants, particularly heavily researched brands such as Zoloft, there were still potential risks.

I spent some time toiling with this decision. I tried natural methods, such as acupuncture, taking walks, breathing, sleeping more. It didn't help much. My mood was such a rollercoaster. I was having a very hard time performing my day to day tasks.

I researched endlessly online. Read posts and threads from both sides of the argument. I talked to my Doctors again, I talked to my husband. Ultimately, it was my decision.

Every woman is different. Every woman's pregnancy is different. Every woman's baby is different.

This is what helped me make the call.

After all my research, I kept hearing one thing: A mother's mental health is so critical for the health of the developing unborn child, and the child once it is born. A happy, healthy, supported mother is a better mother (inside and out). When the mother feels calm and positive, her body reacts accordingly. When a mother feels stressed and fearful, her body also reacts accordingly.

The risks associated with a depressed mother are similar, if not worse than that of a mother on anti-depressants. Research has shown this.

The one most critical thing I could do for my baby, was take good care of myself. And for me and my situation, that meant getting help for my mental state.

I finally made the call to start Zoloft.

It took a few weeks to take affect, but it did help.

I am so glad I had access to this resource during my pregnancy. Though I still had some small challenges along the way, such as nausea in all of the trimesters, bad back pain, and some minor anxiety about this new identity shift - it felt manageable. I still took walks, I still saw my therapist, and I still took care of myself in other ways, but the medication helped me redefine my pregnancy in a positive light.

As I am writing this, I am almost 10 months postpartum. I can now say, I am so grateful to have had access to this medication not only for my pregnancy, but my postpartum period as well. I of course do not know what my experience postpartum would have been like off of the medication, but I do believe taking the medication helped.

I was at risk for postpartum depression. Though I did get some baby blues, and some minor mental lows (mostly due to lack of sleep), I got through it ok. I felt stable and safe in my body.

And again, after I stopped breastfeeding at the 7 month mark. What no one talks about is the post-weaning transition. When you stop breastfeeding your hormones shift again. While I could feel it happening, and had some depressed and anxious moments, it was manageable. I was still myself. I felt safe.

Everyone's story is different. Everyone's body is different. For me, I am proud of my journey. I am so incredibly proud of what my body did. I created a human, birthed a human, fed a human - all from my own body. I am a good Mom. I love my baby and I love myself. My mental health matters. My happiness matters.

I am so grateful for the many resources I was provided during my journey. Not just the medication, but the care of the medical professionals, and the care from my support network.

Moms matter too.

Take good care of yourself, to take care of your baby.