My Mental Health Journey

I am not writing this article to tell you what to do. I am not writing this to stir the pot of this already controversial subject.

I am writing this article to process my own experience. I am writing this article in case there are others out there who felt like I did, and want to hear that it is ok.

First off, I am in no shape or form a medical professional. I am writing this from the standpoint of my life. This is my personal experience. If you are struggling with your mental health, please reach out to a licensed professional who can help you on your journey.

Let me start from the beginning. I started getting anxiety in my early teens. I didn't know what it was, in fact I called it "butterflies", because it was not talked about when I was growing up. I pushed it down, and hid it for many years, coping in ways I could figure out on my own. My family and close friends occasionally noticed, and comforted me as best they could. But for the most part, I brushed it off and held it in.

When I started college I felt great. The anxiety melted away. I had new friends, my first boyfriend, and I was excited about my potential. By my second year in school, the anxiety came back. Worse than ever this time. I had no idea why. It was extremely frustrating. It's like out of no where I was back to my old ways. Crying in private, worried about silly things, and socially uncomfortable. I once again pushed it down and kept to myself. Until this time it got so bad that I couldn't keep it hidden. I was getting thoughts that I had never had before. Thoughts of disappearing, wondering if anyone would find me. Wondering if anyone would - want- to find me. This scared me a lot. I decided to reach out for help.

I had never considered going to therapy before because I didn't believe something "traumatic" had happened in my life. I thought therapy was only warranted for those cases. Unfortunately it would take me years to figure out that therapy can be for everyone, and sometimes it takes a few tries to find the right fit.

When I first reached out, I went to the mental health office at my University. At the time, they were only holding group therapy sessions. So I attended the group session for depression. My fears were realized when everyone else in the room had a movie worthy story of their struggles, their triumphs, and their trauma. Then it was my turn. "Me? Oh what's my story"......."I'm sad? But I don't know why. My life is wonderful.....but I'm sad?"....Needless to say I didn't return to the group sessions.

As time went on, I just learned to cope in ways I could. Some stretches were great. Some were back to the familiar uncomfortable feelings. I gained a new friend group at school, which helped me feel more comfortable and supported. This helped me get through the rest of my degree.

Once I graduated and started my first "Real" job, it came back. Worse than ever. Because this time, I couldn't just skip class to stay in bed. I couldn't just binge watch Rom Coms and order chocolate cake. I had a real job now. Real bills to pay. Real responsibilities.

I finally went to the Doctor to see what was happening. She diagnosed me with an anxiety disorder and depression. This was the first time anyone had told me this. In a way it reassured all of my wonder through the years. In another way, I was still so confused. Why? How could I feel this way when nothing traumatic had happened? Why was I like this?

My Doctor said I could try talk therapy, or I could try a medication. Since my last experience with therapy was so unpleasant, I decided to try the medication.

Now, here's the thing. I'm not someone who jumps to medication as the end all be all solution. I personally believe in evaluating your lifestyle first, and then take the necessary medical routes. But I had tried all the "simple" solutions to boost your mood. I exercised, I took walks, I slept enough, and tried deep breathing - it still didn't help.

It took a few different brands and doses, but I found a medication that worked for me. To my surprise, I didn't feel like happy rainbows and butterflies all the time (which is what I thought anti-depressants did). I just felt better. Stable. More at ease, but still myself. I still got sad sometimes, but in a "normal" way.

Seven years later, I decided it was time to try coming off of the medication. I was at a more stable time in my life. I felt like I knew myself well and could read when I needed some extra care. I also was planning to try to get pregnant within the next year or so, and I wanted to try to be off of any medication that wasn't necessary.

I worked with a Psychiatrist to help with the tapering of the medication. And for the first time since college, I reached out to a therapist.

The tapering of the medication went fairly smoothly. I had a few side effects, but for the most part felt comfortable and positive. To my surprise, my mood was ok without the medication. In fact, life felt more - colorful-? When I was happy, I felt more happy. When I was sad, I felt more sad. But in a good way. I felt my emotions more deeply and fully. It felt nice.

The first therapist I saw was a bust. There were endless awkward silences. She didn't ask me anything....what? I was just supposed to know what to say and fill an hour with it? She always seemed kind of uninterested and dissatisfied with what I did come up with to say. She ended up going on maternity leave after two months of seeing her, so I decided to try another therapist in the meantime until she returned.

Wow, what a difference the right therapist makes! I loved my new therapist. He understood my personality right away. He was very technical and science brained, which really resonated with me. I ended up never going back to the other therapist, my new therapist was here to stay.

Although I was able to get off of the medication, and feel better with the help of talk therapy, I did end up going back on anti-depressants for another chapter in my life. At first I was disappointed. But now I know that its ok. They are tools here to help us through the up and downs of life. They are one of many tools that can be very powerful when you need support to feel yourself again.

The most important thing, is that you are well. You feel yourself. And you can function in your day to day life.

What is this all to say?

Listen to yourself. Listen to your body.

You don't need to have something traumatic happen to have depression or to feel sad.

You don't need to have something traumatic happen to see a therapist.

Sometimes medication is the right path for you and your situation, even if it isn't usually your first choice.

Sometimes you can take a break from a medication and then need it again in another chapter of your story. That is ok.

Just like with dating, sometimes you have to try out a few therapist before you find the right match.